John Field, I Presume?
by Beezlemona
Summary: A random story I started writing after I read what Vincent was originally going to be like in FFVII: A flirty and pretentious horror detective! This is how things might have turned out, of course with an added parodish element...


**The Epic Story about a Certain Pretentious Horror Detective**

"Field, is it?" Hojo's eyes narrowed. He didn't remember the guy being quite so tall…

"Yes, that's right sir, John Field. Surely you've heard of me?"

"Oh, I've heard of you, alright."

The man who was supposedly John Field laughed. "Who hasn't? I've got to be one of the North's most popular journalists. I assume the interview is still on?"

Hojo's eyes narrowed.

"Is there a problem, professor?"

"Oh no, it's... never mind. Just. Don't touch anything."

John trotted over to the the other side of the lab "This sure is amazing equipment here, Shinra must be putting more funding into your department…" John squatted down and looked at a glowing container full of something that didn't look quite as nice when when you looked at it close. John, though, was obviously enthralled as he watched the gory blobs drift around inside the flask.

"DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING!"

John stood up again, just as the door opened.

And there was his female research assistant.

"Oh." Hojo said through his teeth "Crescent. I thought you were busy."

"I am, but when I heard that _the_ John Field was coming to interview you here I just had to see for myself."

John gave her a charming smile.

Hojo dealt John a glare that could have cut diamonds.

John then suddenly, for no reason at all, went to fold his arms in a dramatic fashion, but as everyone knows, dramatic and poorly thought out actions rarely end well in cluttered labs, and this was no exception.

He accidentally knocked over the aforementioned flask of something not-nice, which smashed all over the ground and began eating into the floor at an alarming rate. John stepped away from it with a sheepish look. "Ah…" he awkwardly began.

"LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE! THAT LIVING CARNIVOROUS ACID TOOK ME MONTHS TO PERFECT!"

"My apologies, sir, I—"

"GET OUT OF MY LAB!"

"But, the interview—"

"GET OUT!" Hojo roared, shoving John out of the door and locking it.

There was a short pause as John listened to Hojo and his assistant shouting at each other, desperately trying to neutralize the chemical spill.

John smiled to himself. It was nearly too easy.

Already, he almost all the information he needed.

He shuffled into a blind-spot in the security cameras' field of vision and whipped out a small notebook, in which he began writing notes that were not quite things that had to do with journalism.1

…He just needed one last scrap of information…

Then he had an idea.

He drew a pineapple in his notebook and underlined it severely.

A new disguise. That's what he needed. But there had already been so many… even the gorillagram before. But he'd need something with a bit more style then a gorilla suit for these purposes…

There was one last outfit in his gargantuan Wardrobe of Deception. It was still in its dust-covered packaging, having never been worn after all these years. Not once.

It was perfect for what he had in mind.

"Vincent…" the man said to himself, smiling as he unfolded the costume, brushing away the family of spiders that had previously been leading happy existences in its not-leather folds "… Vincent Valentine…"

Vincent idly leant against a wall and waited. As far as anyone knew he was just loitering. He didn't look like the type you'd want loitering around but no one really wanted to say it to him because he looked like he'd suck their blood out if they did.

A possible side effect of the new look, to be sure, but he was really down to the wire.

There she was.

It was easy to spot Dr Lucrecia Crescent, as she never took off her lab coat. Ever.

She trotted down the road, making a bee-line for her favourite café.

Ideal.

Vincent swiftly strode across the street; so swiftly, in fact, that he nearly caused several car-crashes.

He made it to the door just in time to make it look like he was about to enter before her, but he stepped aside and opened the door for her instead.

"Oh." She said, looking at him and his rather unusual attire. "Thank you."

She trotted inside, her ugly red high-heels making clopping sounds on the tiles. It was strange, really, the Café was normally pretty quiet but today it was jam-packed. She was lucky enough to find a table by herself, however, and took a seat.

The last table.

He walked slowly around, looking for a seat.

"Um. Hey, do you need a seat?" Lucrecia called, noticing his awkward lack-of-table.

"Um. Yes."

"You can. Sit with me if you like."

"Oh. If you're ok with that. Thank you." Vincent took a seat on the opposite of the small round table.

The ambiance of the crowded café and the noise from the street made it a little less than ideal, but everything else was still in his favour…

"I'm Lucrecia."

"A pleasure to meet you. I'm Vincent."

"…Vincent, eh? It's funny; I don't know many other Vincents."

"And I don't know many Lucrecias." He laughed lightly, and she did too.

"Heh. Weird names seem to be my parent's forte. My sibling's names are Apollo and Athena. Oh well. "

"Oh, no, it's a beautiful name. I've just never heard it before." He picked a menu from the holder in the middle of the table and flicked straight to the salad section. Having found what he wanted in a matter of seconds, he put the menu down.

"Wow, someone sure is decisive." Said Lucrecia, who was a little in awe, being only a little way into the first page.

"Well. I'm a vegan, actually. You wouldn't believe how few dishes are animal-free."

"A vegan? Really? Wow. That would take a lot of discipline."

Vincent laughed. "It's alright, really, once you get used to it."

Lucrecia selected herself a snack and put her menu down too.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Fear not, my friends, there shall be more! …One day…

1 Journalist's notes are rarely written in five different secret codes.


End file.
